Self Care was the solution

I had a very tough summer this year. The weather was very hot and humid, and I hate both humidity and hot weather :). I am currently establishing my coaching business; I tried to work from home but I couldn't as it was the summer vacation and with the kids at home I could never focus on anything. I had shared an office with other people and before actually starting with my clients they apologized and asked to cancel the contract because they had to leave the apartment to the owner.  I found another place but it had to be furnished and that meant more time and additional expenses. My best friend was on a trip all summer long and I felt so lonely. I didn't go out with my friends or do anything to enjoy myself during almost three long months. I was working with my coach on my relationships. I was stuck and turning in circles. I couldn't find any way out for my issues. I was desperate and unhappy.

I was really astonished about how stuck I was in my relationships and why I couldn't find a way out. There was nothing new; they were the same issues I experienced every now and then. Why was my response this time so rough? Why couldn't I cope with the situation as sometimes I was able to do? Why couldn't I be accepting? Acceptance was all I needed I think. For almost three months I was struggling with many issues but I never realized that my main issue was with myself. Yes, it was all about me. I didn't take care of myself. There was something very important missing in my life; that was SELF CARE. I felt lonely and missing my best friend, I avoided going out because of the hot weather and the bad traffic, I spent all my time just doing housework and all I need to do for my new business, I was committed to my younger son workouts, but I didn't notice that I was not taking care of myself. For long weeks I didn't do anything to enjoy myself except working out two or three times a week.

I realized from my work with my coach that lack of self care was the main cause of my unhappiness, but I always thought that it was anything else. I was extremely nervous, aggressive and angry most of the time. I believed that the weather, my sons' behavior, traffic, my husband, the maid’s absence and many other reasons were the cause of feeling upset and angry. The only enjoyable thing I did during these three months is spending time with my sons, every now and then, listening to their jokes and laughing with them. It is true that I love spending time with my sons but I love and need to spend time with my friends and with myself. I needed to show more self care. I was always repeating to my friends that to be able to take care of others we need to learn to take care of ourselves first. It seems that I forgot my own advice :).

Self care doesn't need to be time and money consuming as we may think; it can be just spending quality time with a dear friend, listening to music, relaxing in nature or in our favorite place, watching a good movie or reading an inspiring book. It can be playing and laughing with our children. Self care means honoring ourselves and showing love for ourselves by having our needs met. It is showing respect to our own needs as we show respect to others needs. What is really important is to make it regular and a lifestyle; not just doing it when we have nothing else to do. 

It is so important to add our self care appointment to our calendar as we do with our other important appointments. We need to give our self care appointments a high priority as we give to our business appointments. The self care appointments we commit to today will help us to get the energy for our business appointments we have to commit to tomorrow. Have your own self care program. Build your own enjoyable activity list and go for one activity daily and as much as the activity is new and adventurous it will bring you more excitement, satisfaction and energy. Your life will not be the same anymore.

I would like that you share with me the activities you do to show self care and how often do you do?

Our Thoughts Shape our Life

I had a very strange feeling today when I was running on the treadmill; I felt so excited, enthusiastic and full of energy, while 30 min earlier I felt uncomfortable, frustrated and lacking energy. My feelings at the gym were totally different from my feelings at home, and I wondered why? The difference in time between these feelings didn't exceed 30 min which is the time of the drive from my home to the club. I wondered how just going from one place to another could change my feelings from one extreme to the other. 

At home I felt weighed down and insignificant and I asked myself why I had this feeling? I realized that the house means housework, cooking, laundry and all the stuff that I don't like, and I believe it's useless to waste my time doing it every day. Recently I realized that my house is not the place where I love to stay to find peace and quiet any more. On the contrary, it's the place where I have to run from one room to the other cleaning and arranging; then rush to the kitchen for the dishes and the cooking and finally doing the laundry. I used to have a maid daily when I had a full-time job but after quitting my job I reduced it to two or three times a week. Since then I had the feeling that I am replacing her at home and this thought, I think, is the reason behind the feeling that I am weighed down. In addition, I tried to work from home but no one could accept the idea. They interrupt me all the time and want me to take care of them and finish my work as well. Everyone thinks that the short time they are interrupting me to ask for something is not that long. I am not a fan of multitasking, I like to do only one thing at a time until I finish it then move to the next one and of course these interruptions were extremely distracting to me. I tried to set boundaries but it didn't work.While at home, I was unable to achieve anything. With these two negative thoughts in mind; that I am replacing the maid and I will not achieve any progress in my business while working from home, I felt weighed down whenever I was home. 

Let me return to the feelings I had on the treadmill, excited, enthusiastic and energetic, why did I have these feelings? It's the sense of achievement that I feel when I am at the gym as my fitness level improves day after day. So the thought that came to my mind is I am achieving success in the area of fitness and not many are able to do that. I like my role of achiever at the gym; it brings me more self-confidence and a feeling of success. Concerning my business, I decided to have a place to work from, so I rented a room in an office and turned it into my own office. There I could have some peace and quiet; so finally I could work without interruptions. Now I feel more relaxed with the thought that I am moving forward in different areas of my life and achieving progress and that is exactly what I needed. 

I started to examine my feelings and my thoughts more closely. With the negative thoughts "I am replacing the maid" and "I am not achieving any progress" I felt unhappy, insignificant and frustrated but with the thought that I am achieving progress and success I felt excited, enthusiastic and energetic. What I wanted to highlight is that having negative thoughts and beliefs in mind can totally ruin our lives. We can change the negative thoughts by more positive ones to have more positive feelings. I will share with you some tips about how to replace negative thoughts and feelings with more positive ones in my next post. 
Please share with me what you think about that. Do you think that we can change our feelings about a certain situation by changing our thoughts? Did you go through similar experience? If yes what did you learn?

Gratitude, the way to happiness

Gratitude means being happy and grateful all the time. It's to accept everything as it comes, gratefully, peacefully, and contentedly. Mindset that's conducive to contentment and tranquilly. My life would be full of tranquilly, peace, and pleasure if I could learn to live it in thankfulness. It's like being in a dream world.

That first time my coach suggested that I keep a thankfulness notebook to help me shift my attention from what I perceive to be lacking in my life to what I already have, and how beneficial that proved to be, is still fresh in my mind. A lot of the graces I'd previously taken for granted became apparent to me all over again. One of the things that helped me better my relationship with my mum was the appreciation diary. I wrote in my thankfulness diary about how thankful I am to still have both of my parents around because of their love and support. In the end, when I considered all of the things for which I am thankful to my mother and father, I came to the conclusion that her criticism and meddling were really simply a way for her to show her interest and concern in my life. As a result of keeping a thankfulness book and adopting an appreciation viewpoint, my relationship with my mother has improved dramatically.

Living a life filled with appreciation requires effort and practise in order to become deeply ingrained. When you practise gratitude, you'll be more aware of the blessings you receive in every moment of your life. Imagine your life without it to appreciate the importance of the things you take for granted now. You may not have realised that having access to clean, fresh water anytime you need it is a blessing, but consider what your life would be like if you had to go to considerable lengths just to get a sip. Consider the possibility that everything you've come to rely on, including water, air, sunlight, your senses, your house, your family, your health, and so on, is gone. Imagine the impact this would have on your daily life. What will be the trajectory of your life? Then consider how you'll feel if they return one by one. Sure, you'll come to appreciate their worth.

You need to stop whining if you want to adopt a grateful outlook on life. Complaining reveals a lack of appreciation for what you have. You must observe yourself and consciously make the right choice to strengthen your gratitude, either gratitude and gain the satisfaction it brings and the positive energy it brings, or complaining and accepting its negativity while also causing harm to your health and your life to strengthen your complaint.

Life Balance

Everything is in its proper place when we use the word balance. It conjures images of fairness, equilibrium, and stability. The more I think about life balance and how we can apply it to various aspects of our lives, the more I realise that we must first be clear about our values before attempting to strike a balance.

Taking a look back at my life, I see that there was no sense of balance and that I neglected my values. After a demanding and stressful job, two young children, and a family life that according to the culture doesn't allow much freedom for the woman, I lived a life of SHOULD DOs. Women in my culture are perfect if they remember and care about everyone else in their families and extended families, except for themselves. Depending on how long they've been doing it, some women may be able to maintain their lifestyle for a period of time before realising they haven't had much fun in their younger years and becoming depressed because of it. A woman who only cares about her happiness and satisfaction is a self-centered individual who will find little acceptance or appreciation from the people around her. People don't realise that the happiness of the woman is essential for the happiness of the rest of the family as well. Nobody understands that a miserable, angry, resentful, and frustrated woman is never a pleasant person to live with.

My message goes out to all the women in my community, but I'm focusing on those in their 30s and 40s. Who spent much of their life thinking only about what others need and want; who secretly stole time from others as if it weren't their right. These people were selfish. When they ask what I tell them, I say: "Don't put others before yourself, and prioritise your own needs over those of others. Make a list of the things that are most important to you and live by them. Strike a BALANCE between your needs and the needs of others, and enlist the help of those around you to maintain it." Just ASK and you will be amazed at how everyone will support you because they all love and need you. Don't think or say nobody will do without even asking. Main problem: you never asked. You assume others know what you want and need, but that's not true because other people are not you. You are the one who knows what you need. Only you will know until you tell them. Teach them how to treat you, respect your needs, and support you in a loving manner that they will remember. Don't be vague about your expectations of them.

So, get started right away and consider how you can achieve SATISFACTION, HAPPINESS, AND FULFILLMENT in your life by achieving BALANCE. Encouragement can come from family and friends. Don't say it's too late; no, it's never too late. Just be clear about what's important to you and make it a top priority, whether daily or weekly, and you'll find a lot of energy, satisfaction, and fulfilment from doing so.

Consider the best ways to make yourself happy, and you'll find that nothing will be the same again in your life.

Mommy guilt

According to the Cambridge online dictionaries, guilt is the "feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as harming another person."

According to the definition, it's a feeling you get when you realize you've done something wrong, but in my opinion, it can also be a doubt that what you did caused harm to someone else, and you have to live with this tormenting feeling.

Since I was a child, I've had a strong sense of guilt from my parents' constant blaming of me for my mistakes. Rebuke and criticism came freely from my parents, who believed this was the best way to teach us to be cautious and avoid mistakes. They placed a lot of emphasis on the mistakes, while encouraging and acknowledging us had no place in our lives. They were completely out of touch. I used to constantly defend myself until maybe a few years ago. In fact, even when I was talking to myself, I was thinking about how I would defend myself if my mother ever started berating me. It was frustrating to feel guilty and constantly defend myself, even when I hadn't done anything wrong. I simply granted myself the freedom to act contrary to her wishes.

My guilt increased after I became a mother, and this feeling prevents most women and moms from fully enjoying their lives. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was working full-time. I spent 4 hours a day commuting from my house to work and back for his first two years of life. We used to leave the house at six in the morning and return at six in the evening, together. When he was three months old, I put him in a nursery where I left him every day from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. He attended the nursery from the time he was three months old until he was five years old, spending eight hours a day there. Guilt was ruining my weekdays five days a week. I had to leave him with my husband or my mother when he was 4 years old because I had to travel a lot. For 10 months or almost a year, I had to be away from home 4 to 5 days a week, 2 to 3 times a month, and the guilt was killing me. Because he saw how much the guilt was torturing me, he used that to his advantage by manipulating and punishing me. In retrospect, I can see how the negative emotions left me depleted, suffering, and unhappy because I believed that by sending my son to nursery at such a young age, I was doing harm to him. I still remember how upset I was the first time I dropped him off at the nursery and how I felt like I was abandoning him. When I felt guilty, it was primarily due to the fact that I was neglecting my son by working long hours and not having enough time to care for him or spend quality time with him.

It took me a long time to let go of that feeling and realise that guilt was a big part of why I was constantly exhausted and unhappy. If you ask a counselor, she will tell you that the amount of time you spend with your children isn't as important as the quality of that time. Since then, I've made it a point to make my time with my children as pleasurable as possible for both of us. Quality time was something I learned about. I discovered that the notion that a mother is always available to her children is incorrect. Upon reflection, I've come to the conclusion that the definitions I received from both my mother and culture about what it means to be a good mother and wife are no longer applicable to me. There were many things I needed to reevaluate in order to make room for new ideas and goals.

I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else. Is it you or someone you know who is saying it? A lot of women, especially when their children were young, have had similar experiences or stories, and I'm sure there are thousands, if not millions, of them.